Yesterday I had my third miscarriage. I was 7 weeks pregnant and very excited, I had already told a few people and even though I had had two miscarriages before my beautiful son was born, I was completely optimistic about it.
I had started looking for preggy clothes, Andy and I had started to discuss names, and I had already had one visit to my midwife. I was pretty invested. How can you not be. But a few days ago, I started to feel scared, I think the hormone levels must have started dropping then, because there was no other signs that things were not ok, it still amazes me what happens when I really listen to myself.
I used to think it would be ok, not as bad if you already had a child, but it's not, it's equally painful. You look at your child and give thanks that you have them, but you mourn the idea that they were once as small as the baby being expelled, right now.
I don't know how this can help anyone, I'm not sure it's even helping me. I don't write this to gain sympathy, I can't even bear talking to friends or family now, maybe that's why I write here.
Miscarriage is such a taboo subject, but really, so common, according to Miscarriage Support miscarriage affects one in four women. That's huge, right? So I need to talk about it, I need to share, because being quiet doesn't help anyone.
It's Taane's 3rd birthday this week, so I'm having a rest for a few days, then I'm going to try to make a car cake (eek). It's good to have a party for him to look forward to, he is a celebration everyday. The fizzing that drives me crazy, the noises, the constant chatter, they make me realise he is alive and well, and I'm so grateful right now. I'm happy to have one amazing child, I know not everyone is so lucky.
7 comments:
You have all my love and deepest sympathies xxxx
I am so sorry Lily. Know that we are all here for you and we're sending you all our love xxx
oh god. how sad. you poor thing. having had three myself I can feel your pain. it's just such a sad thing to happen esp. when you really want baby.
Thanks ladies, feeling the love.
Sumner, I had no idea, so tragic... amazingly you still have 4 wonderful kids, there is hope, eh? xx
Big hugs and kisses to you guys. It's a funny thing friends intuition, I had a feeling something was up. Been thinking a lot about you lately xx
Oh Lily - I don't know what to say, if there's anything I could say to help. Women's/mother's intuition is quite powerful. I remember that with my second loss, we were on our way to see the doctor when I commented to Russ that something just didn't feel right, though I had no negative physical symptoms. Of course, I got chastised and told to "think positive!". Sure enough, the worst was confirmed. I think sometimes you do just know. I do remember that I decided to make some much needed changes in my life with our losses, so as to have them not be in vain, but that may not apply to you. My family didn't even know about the second time until after it happened. Sometimes life can really suck! I'm thinking of you and sending my love across the ditch. *hugs*
Hi Lily,It's been a long time.
I'm so sorry,I don't know about your condition.How sad,I can feel your pain.I'm sending you my big hug.
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